Strength

It's like the stronger people say I am the weaker I actually feel. Can I really call myself strong? I feel like I've betrayed him. My life goes on. Nathan grows older, but he fades away.

Does it count that I miss him? Of course. But I'm moving forward. I'm not moving on. I could never move on. But he's there. I'm here.

There are two ways to define strength in this matter, giving in or finding the answers. I have done neither. I didn't lose myself and get sucked into his world forever. I left him there. My brain, my sanity, a part will always be lost, but I can still function. And for that, they call me strong. I call it cowardice. Lying and running from the problem. I need to face it. I need to step up in hundreds of people and tell them the truth.

My son,

I can't even type it. I can even make my mind think the words. He passed. It's a sugarcoated way to this life of pain and sorrow. He's not . . . dead, he passed. He went to sleep and never woke up. Admitting the death, saying he did it, I am not strong.

It'll be three years soon. Two days. In two days everything will be back where I started. Have I even gotten that far? I've seen one health professional. One. Unless you want to count the man who diagnosed me with post partum depression. I don't count him.

I have never spoken in front of a group. I told my mother, but only to allow her to ease her own mind of the truth that happened. I told my sister. But that was also just to let her know what he went through. And I've written it, here, for everyone to read.

But the words have never left my lips for myself. I have never sat there and told people what was happening solely because I needed to get it out. I do need to get it out. I need to scream it. I need the strength.

I keep trying to find it in someone else, but it will only be inside of me. I am the only person who can overcome this. And somehow I can't do it alone. Nathan doesn't deserve to go through this. I need the help. I need that family to take their place and finally, just once, help me. Let me fall into that place never worrying Nathan will see it. Let me be who I need to be for a day. One day.

If I ever had any faith, I'd like to count on his father. But I know better. That bridge has been blocked off a long time ago. This battle will never be won with a man at my side. Just family. Only my family.

Then I accept the strength they all say I have. Then I can feel the bricks being lifted off my chest. I can sleep soundly. I can say the words I so desperately need to say. I will never hide my tears again. I will never be ashamed that I'm living my life with him not here. I need this.

never never land

what happens when you realize you are all alone. when you finally go to the groups, when you finally get the therapy everyone tells you to get, and you see that you're the only one alone.

they all have a husband. they all have a father. they all have someone else to support them. they're not alone.

i'm all alone.

i have this lifeline to no where. i tug on the cable all i want, but no one ever comes running. they never did.

false hope. that's all i've ever have.

what do i do? why haven't i gone crazy yet? what's keeping me here, stable?

why haven't i lost it yet. when is it my turn to cry and be in pain. three years. three years. i'm stuck in this cycle of let downs.

this repeat button is worn down. i've hit it more times than i can count. no new faces. no hands to hold.

eventually it'll warp. the images will be distorted. i'll see something else. will be good enough?

of course not.

this is my never never land. i'm never growing up. he's never growing up. we'll never get closer because i'll never get farther away. i can't do this. i need a hand. i need a shoulder. i need a ear. someone. someone, some person has to be able to support my broken dreams.

it's just not possible for this to be it.

i'm good at not accepting reality.

Past Memories

this is something i came across from Oct. 7th 2010. and i just really wanted to share it. sometimes there are bad days, sometimes there are good days, this falls in that bad day category. and the point is, that it should be okay for me to have a bad day.


everybody wants to tell me to stop letting it hurt so much, that they hate seeing me in so much pain, but no one wants to ask why. no one wants to just talk about it.

everybody wants to tell me that they're there for me but they never answer when i call or listen when i say anything.

everyone wants to insist they can never understand what i'm going through and tell me they'd just be a complete mess, but the second i am a complete mess they abandon me.


no one stops to just realize that i have never gotten it out. i have never had anyone there to just listen to me. no one just stopped to see what i wanted and how i wanted to deal with things. everything is and has been just thrown in my face and i had to find a way to deal with it.


nobody asked me if i wanted to wake up and lose my son. nobody said hey, we're going to let you sleep in this room with all your children, but when you wake up your youngest isn't going to be breathing.
nobody asked me if i wanted to be alone in that hospital waiting for my husband to show up. they just took nathan and sat me in a room and told me everything.

nobody asked me if i wanted my precious son to be investigated for signs of injury. they just told me it had to happen and i had no way around it.

nobody asked me if i wanted them to stay up all night with me and just cry, they all just assumed someone would be there for me so they all went to bed while i stayed up alone crying.


everybody insists that i am just ungrateful. that i just take everything for granted because i can't see that they were all helping in their own ways. that i can't see that they were there for me by picking out the cemetery, by bringing all those flowers and saying all those beautiful words.

because i didn't thank them for it. i'm the ungrateful one. because i expected them to just ask me what i wanted. i'm the ungrateful one.

because i never had my chance to just cry and just mourn and just miss with everyone, i'm the ungrateful one. because i never had anybody ask me what i wanted to do for his birthday or what i wanted to do the one year mark of his passing away. because i should just let everyone deal with it their way. no one can let me deal with it my way. no one can let me just have my entire family in a room and remember him.

i want everyone to sit there and cry with me. i want everyone to just support my pain and help me through it. i want one person to just look at me and tell me they're there for me and mean it.

i want to be able to collapse and know that every single person that said they care, will be right there to pick me up rather than turn their back and abdandon me because i'm not handling things the way they would.


doesn't anybody realize that they can never know how they'd honestly handle my situation? doesn't anybody realize they can never get pregnant with Vincent and carry him for only five months before finding out they could lose him. no one can go through a month in the hospital in nearly complete isolation with a baby in their belly that's at risk for being premature. no one can go through a c-section nearly dying themselvs while their six month old is at the brink of life. no one can spend three months in a hospital watching him grow outside of the womb and see the struggles that he's overcoming and know that it's all your fault. no one can bring him home and battle post partum depression, raising a two year old, moving into a new house, battling a lost marriage, and getting him settled in they way he deserved. and no one can wake up only two months after he was home to him no longer breathing and know that it was entirely your fault. because you just couldn't give him everything. and now you will never be able to give him everything.

i am the only person in the entire world that knows what that feels like.

and i sit here and i let everyone walk all over me. i let my mother kick me out over a dog. i let my brother abdandon me and say such hurtful things over a computer. i let an aunt lash out on me over thirty dollars. i let cousins kick me out over a blog. i let every single person find something better to do the second his day nears. i let my ex husband run off to germany and give up on us. i let people tell me to be the bigger person. and i let a boyfriend throw me to the curb every breakdown i encounter.

but somehow, i just want a pity party. somehow i just want to sit here and be in pain and suffer. and somehow it matters so much to everyone else that they can't see what i honestly want.


vincent deserves everything. if i'm not better, i can't give him anything. if i have no one there making me feel like i'm worth getting better, it's going to take a lot longer than if i had the support and i had the family taking care of me. cause right now, it's me and nathan. and i'm not complaining, i love the life he and i have. but if every year i have to deal with no one calling, "letting everyone deal with it the way they deal with it", getting over it, moving on, then it's going to take some time and you guys are just going to have to deal with me being a complete total wreck every october 8th, every may 10th every december 4th every feb 11th every august 10th every august 15th and any other date or moment that means something to me about him.

i love you

two years

In one month Nathan will be coming back to me. He's been gone for four months because of his fathers' selfishness. Either way, I count my blessings, because Nathan will be coming back to me.
Vincent, well I have to go to him.

It's coming up to two years. And not just that, but i'm still holding on 100%. I haven't talked to anyone or gotten any help for this. I looked up support groups and they don't exist. I called mental health, but never showed up.

I am dwindling. I miss him. I know it'll get better once Nathan is back and pulls me in the right direction again. But i can't rely on my love for him to keep shining in the darkness, I have to find my own way.

Blah.

you know

no one ever said it'd be this tough. rather, no one said anything.

i find myself in a constant struggle, and obviously it gets worse around this time.

i was told today to just be strong. but what exactly is strong? why isn't it just living? do they not realize the effort and the strength i have to just get out of bed and go on with my day?

no. that's what makes it so hard i think. because no one does know. i tell myself that this would be better with nathan around. and you know what that does? it allows me to only escape further into the insanity i created with vincent.

he's not gone. every day i go on, is just that day that i get closer to seeing him again. he's in that hospital in germany still. to this day. that time he spent at home? well that was just a visit. that was heaven. now i've got some things to take care of and i'll see him soon.

just like nathan. i'll see him soon too. he's with his dad over in texas for who knows how long. but one day, i'll have him back in my arms. both my children.

i don't know whats worse, not being to find a support group, or not being able to have a friend to talk too.

actually, i know whats worse. i won't be able to run away. i can't runaway anymore. every time something terrible happened in my life i managed to just escape. i went to germany, i went home, i went to my sisters, i went to indiana, but now, i can't. i can't just get out of this place.

not even for a few days. there is nothing but my writing. and man have i been writing. it's the only escape i have from the reality i've created.

its just, it's so perfect. i've always said this. every second. when i need someone, its just me and my kids. in the hospital for three weeks, ya, it was just me and vincent. recovering. it was just me and vincent. when he was released from the hospital. just me and my kids. when he passed. just me and my kids. for the three hours i was sitting there in that hospital begging to wake up from the terrible nightmare i swore i was in, yep, just me and my kids. for his first birthday. for the year mark. for mothers day.

and again. this mothers day.

the dates, they line up so perfectly. he had to be born on May 10th. so mothers day would always be right there. he had to pass on the reverse of his due date (Aug 10) Oct 08th. He had to be laid down on my aunts birthday. and the month mark has to be my uncles birthday. everything sets itself. god knows what he is doing. i just wish i had some sort of an insight. i'd really like to be able to just breathe again.

i love you vincent.

oh look

a whole week away.


fantastic.