Thursday, May 6, 2010

you know

no one ever said it'd be this tough. rather, no one said anything.

i find myself in a constant struggle, and obviously it gets worse around this time.

i was told today to just be strong. but what exactly is strong? why isn't it just living? do they not realize the effort and the strength i have to just get out of bed and go on with my day?

no. that's what makes it so hard i think. because no one does know. i tell myself that this would be better with nathan around. and you know what that does? it allows me to only escape further into the insanity i created with vincent.

he's not gone. every day i go on, is just that day that i get closer to seeing him again. he's in that hospital in germany still. to this day. that time he spent at home? well that was just a visit. that was heaven. now i've got some things to take care of and i'll see him soon.

just like nathan. i'll see him soon too. he's with his dad over in texas for who knows how long. but one day, i'll have him back in my arms. both my children.

i don't know whats worse, not being to find a support group, or not being able to have a friend to talk too.

actually, i know whats worse. i won't be able to run away. i can't runaway anymore. every time something terrible happened in my life i managed to just escape. i went to germany, i went home, i went to my sisters, i went to indiana, but now, i can't. i can't just get out of this place.

not even for a few days. there is nothing but my writing. and man have i been writing. it's the only escape i have from the reality i've created.

its just, it's so perfect. i've always said this. every second. when i need someone, its just me and my kids. in the hospital for three weeks, ya, it was just me and vincent. recovering. it was just me and vincent. when he was released from the hospital. just me and my kids. when he passed. just me and my kids. for the three hours i was sitting there in that hospital begging to wake up from the terrible nightmare i swore i was in, yep, just me and my kids. for his first birthday. for the year mark. for mothers day.

and again. this mothers day.

the dates, they line up so perfectly. he had to be born on May 10th. so mothers day would always be right there. he had to pass on the reverse of his due date (Aug 10) Oct 08th. He had to be laid down on my aunts birthday. and the month mark has to be my uncles birthday. everything sets itself. god knows what he is doing. i just wish i had some sort of an insight. i'd really like to be able to just breathe again.

i love you vincent.

Monday, May 3, 2010

oh look

a whole week away.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

is it a dream?

One of these days, I imagine I'll realize that this isn't a dream. I'm not going to wake up and have Vincent back. He's not at the hospital waiting to be released.
Even more, I'll get that support I desperately need but keep denying.

Goodness denial is such a strong emotion. It's carried me on this long and I can see it carrying it me on for the rest of my life. Because I can tell myself that yes, one day, I'll see him again. Because that's not lying. Dear sweet heaven. When it's finally my time, my son will be in my arms again.

I always feel so guilty though. I keep living for tomorrow, for that day when I see his big beautiful eyes looking at me. When I have this amazing four year old right here literally in front of me. I live for Nathan, of course. It's a constant battle within myself.

How do I find the balance of loving Vincent enough without leaving Nathan out, to loving Nathan enough without leaving Vincent out? Where is the safe line? Can I miss him terribly three days out of the year and then focus on Nathan?

I am always wanting that time back in Germany. Every second I'm alive, I wish I never left. To still be in that house. To still have his crib up. Oh, I know that would've eventually been the death of me. To not be able and drive up the road to see him. My brain would've deteriorated much faster than it is now.

This week is pure torture. I want to get to that point where I can be happy. Where I can just think of him and smile and cry only because I love him. I don't want to cry because it hurts anymore. Is that wrong? He deserves to be mourned, yes, his life was short but it was amazing. He deserves to be remembered with a smile too.