Tuesday, June 14, 2011

never never land

what happens when you realize you are all alone. when you finally go to the groups, when you finally get the therapy everyone tells you to get, and you see that you're the only one alone.

they all have a husband. they all have a father. they all have someone else to support them. they're not alone.

i'm all alone.

i have this lifeline to no where. i tug on the cable all i want, but no one ever comes running. they never did.

false hope. that's all i've ever have.

what do i do? why haven't i gone crazy yet? what's keeping me here, stable?

why haven't i lost it yet. when is it my turn to cry and be in pain. three years. three years. i'm stuck in this cycle of let downs.

this repeat button is worn down. i've hit it more times than i can count. no new faces. no hands to hold.

eventually it'll warp. the images will be distorted. i'll see something else. will be good enough?
of course not.

this is my never never land. i'm never growing up. he's never growing up. we'll never get closer because i'll never get farther away. i can't do this. i need a hand. i need a shoulder. i need a ear. someone. someone, some person has to be able to support my broken dreams.

it's just not possible for this to be it.
i'm good at not accepting reality.

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